Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. — Colossians 3:13 NIV
Hard Climates
Ever feel like the climate in your marriage is more stormy or cold than it is sunny and warm?
Rainy? Maybe your argument a few days ago blows into today, and even if you manage to shutter it out now, it’s only a matter of time until it whips up again, perhaps with more force.
Cold? Even if obvious conflict isn’t your issue, the draft in your relationship is unsettling. You notice the lack of warmth. The cause? You can’t put your finger on it. You have the transactions of your lifestyle running pretty smoothly, but the emotional void is a bit chilling.
Hard climates in any relationship can create hard hearts over time. Hearts that become increasingly shelled-in, bound up, and difficult to set free. But, even hearts enduring the tempests and frigid air of today can look forward to a break in the weather in days to come. If, if, if…
…If they’re willing to be broken apart and healed by forgiveness.
Forgiving each other was a process for Carey and I after our extended season of conflict. We had so many incidents like this one that happened many years ago.
I’m not sure I’ve been more enchanted by a wilderness park than I was by Yosemite National Park in California. Carey and I made a big detour one time to spend a couple of days there. Three things stand out in my mind: a breathtaking view of Half Dome, a surreal hike through the massive sequoias and a blowout fight. We reached Yosemite first thing in the morning, ready to explore this natural masterpiece. Up sprang a trivial argument that quickly escalated, leaving us both triggered. Even the powerful beauty of our surrounds couldn’t rescue us from the pit. We hiked off our frayed emotions on separate trails. I was ready to catch a flight home.
Forgiveness Layers
One of the complicated things about forgiveness and marriage is that there are layers. Layers of hurts and grievances that may be keeping that hard, protective shell around your hearts intact. Unless you are deliberately on a path of personal growth that helps you recognize the impacts of the hurts of your past, you may be emotionally reacting to your spouse as if he or she is the only cause for your heart’s anger or grief. Or your silence.
Chances are, other people have also caused you hurts that you have never truly forgiven.
Until you go through that journey of forgiveness for the offenses you endured before your marriage, that stormy or cold climate may be tethered to you, despite your good intentions. Where the weather’s coming from is hard to see. If you’re like most people, you’ll look at your partner and blame them for all your inclement weather.
Forgiveness is not a nicety – it’s a necessity.
Forgiveness According to Jesus
I believe that’s why Jesus, when He taught the crowds on how to live out a human life in the presence of God, repeatedly spoke about forgiveness. For example, He said,
“Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” (Matthew 5: 7 NIV), and
“…and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matthew 6:12 NIV)
When asked how many times we must forgive someone who sins against us, Jesus answered,
“I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18: 22 NIV)
In other words, if you’re taking Jesus at His word and forgiving your partner for all the hurts and offenses, you’re going to lose count.
So, how? How do you forgive your spouse and others for the hurts of your present and your past?
1. Decide that pursuing forgiveness is worth it.
When there’s a serious hurt, or a pile of offenses from over the years, forgiveness is not a casual pastime, nor a ‘once and done’ deal. If you authentically want to be freed of your anger, bitterness or other emotional burden, you need to make the necessary space for this pursuit in your life. You may ask yourself, Is it worth it? Will the time, the emotional turmoil and financial investment (if you pay for counselling), make a real difference in my life?
Desmond Tutu writes this,
To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest. It is also a process that does not exclude hatred and anger. These emotions are all part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: the depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger.
However, when I talk of forgiveness I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person. A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred. (Learn more at: theforgivenessproject.com)
Jesus didn’t tell us to forgive each other because He doesn’t care about justice. He’s not indifferent to righting the wrongs. But He knows that we all need to “…bear with one another and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.” (Colossians 3:13 NIV) Jesus knows that for us beautiful but flawed humans to work out his transforming love into relationships that are marked by unity, forgiveness will be critical.
Remember that Jesus’ pathway to unity passes through Calvary.
2. Forgiving is not simply a decision. It’s a process.
I love how Lysa TerKeurst breaks forgiveness down into a decision to forgive, followed by a process of gradual healing. (I highly recommend Lysa’s book if you’re facing a forgiveness challenge in your marriage: TerKeurst, L. Forgiving What You Can’t Forget. (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2020)
Once you’ve made the decision to forgive, had the—yes, messy!—conversations and offered heartfelt forgiveness, the healing of your heart is a process that takes time. You may be haunted by memories. A scent in the grocery store or that person across the room with the jacket may trigger a memory or feelings that blindside you. Suddenly, you’re immersed in the grief you were supposed to have released when you forgave.
That doesn’t mean you didn’t forgive.
Healing is a process that takes time. You’ve likely already learned that any worthwhile change you make for your personal growth requires you to take on some pain. You don’t need to be, and you shouldn’t be, alone with the burden of that pain. Lean into close friends, lean into a counsellor or therapist and lean into your faith.
Jesus offers you His love and His “incomparably great power” (Ephesians 1:19 NIV) of the Spirit as Paul puts it to lift the burden and to help you authentically forgive over time. As he admonishes Christ-followers in his letter to the Ephesian church: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2 NIV).
God may speak to you through His whispers, through His Word, and through others around you who hear His voice. All of this will help.
On the pathway to forgiveness, God’s presence is your perseverance and your freedom.
3. Build the steps of forgiveness into your marriage.
Do you and your husband or wife apologize easily, naturally and spontaneously? Would you say you have a practice of forgiveness? If you don’t, I invite you to imagine building some steps. (I discuss this in more depth in Chapter 8 of my book, Before You Split: Find What You Really Want for the Future of Your Marriage. (Colorado Springs: Waterbrook, 2021)) Not flimsy ones, though. You need solid steps built of stone that endure the test of time. Steps that will take you two to the pit of unforgiven grievances to make for higher ground.
There are three essential ingredients in building your steps. Stones come first, because they represent justice. You two can’t ignore your innate sense of right and wrong, so you need the essential stones. The stone represents the story of the incident, including the facts and the feelings attached to what went wrong.
The second essential ingredient is mortar, representing mercy. Mercy allows you to see each other’s strengths AND weaknesses, virtues AND brokenness. It has the potential to transform that enemy who hurt you into a frail human who needs love and empathy.
And last but not least, you need the third ingredient: the water of humility. Humility allows you to look at yourself – to own your hurtful actions and words, and to search for better ways.
Mixing mortar with water to bind stones together into solid steps is a messy process, just like dredging out the details of your hurts and offenses will be. Anticipate that dealing with unhealed offenses will be messy. It will take sweat and tears, patience and determination to bring the chaos into order. You may have to muster up everything you’ve got to force those sloppy, raw materials into steps with a purpose.
Making the effort to build and use your steps of forgiveness will take you somewhere. For my husband Carey and I, we have more peace, fewer chaotic arguments and more space to love on each other since we built what are now well-worn steps.
Or you might say, we spend far more time together basking in the proverbial sun, out of the storms. The beauty in this is what I want for you.
If you’ve ever wanted to say, “I can’t do this anymore!” out of frustration with your marriage, you’re definitely not alone. But there is hope! In Toni’s latest book “Before You Split“
In this book Toni shows that even if you feel disconnected or stuck in your troubled marriage—and worry about its impact on your kids—there is a way forward. Even if it feels like it’s over, it’s not too late. Change takes place one step at a time. Before You Split will help you make choices with your eyes wide open.
