I remember the time my wife Jen was holding our screaming son when he was a baby. His brother grabbed his favorite toy, and he was having none of that. He lost it. He was loudly crying. This was a magnificent tantrum! My wife quickly tried to help by pointing out the toy was now returned and within reach. If only he would open his eyes to see what was happening! Jen’s words did not resolve our son’s distress.
I mentioned to Jen that our son was likely unaware he was in his mother’s arms. His brain’s relational center was offline. His eyes were closed. His yelling was loud. Our unhappy camper did not realize his loving mother was trying to console him. “Dear,” I said, “He doesn’t even know you are holding him. Try to gently rub his back while you softly sing to him.” As my wife comforted our screaming son, he quieted down within a few moments and opened his eyes. He realized Mommy was holding him and everything was going to be ok. Joy was restored.
Feeling Alone and Afraid?
We all have times where we lose our peace. There are moments painful emotions can be deafening. We have no idea where Immanuel is in our distress. We don’t realize our Heavenly Father is holding us in His arms. We feel alone and afraid.
Just think about the many times in Scripture people missed the reality that God was with them! It happened on many occasions. In fact, when Israel was enslaved in Egypt, the Bible tells us in Exodus 6:9 that Israel could not hear Moses sharing the good news that God was delivering them because they were short of breath. This phrase is often translated anguish of spirit. God’s people were discouraged, hopeless and stuck in their pain.
With a bit of practice, we can learn to find God’s peace and presence in our lives. We can quiet our big emotions and return to relational joy. We can activate our brain’s relational center when it goes offline. These are important relational skills we rely on to stay the best version of ourselves.1
Understanding RC’s
Every human being has a relational engine on the right side of the brain. There are different names for this four-level relational center that is progressively integrated and closely interconnected. Interpersonal neurobiology calls this center the right-hemispheric emotional control center or the emotional control center for short.2 My friends Dr. Karl Lehman and Dr. Jim Wilder call it a much easier name to remember, our brain’s relational circuitry or simply “RC’s” for relational circuits.3I like to think of this as the brain’s master switch because this region of the brain must be working for us to remain our best, most relationally engaged self.
When online, we can be flexible and patient. We put ourselves in other people’s shoes to better understand their experience – even empathize with them. We can lower and turn down our intensity when we see others need a breather. We think through different scenarios to pick the best option. Quite simply, we are better primed to enjoy interacting with people. In my new book The Joy Switch, I call this staying in our relational sweet spot.
When our relational circuits are on and we are in our sweet spot, we have at our disposal the learned relational skills we picked up along the way from our families and communities. These are skills that keep us relationally connected with people and with God. We can recover when things go wrong. We can better stay connected under increasingly difficult circumstances. We can even see some of what God sees when we use important relational skills.
Turning the Joy Switch On
All of us have moments we feel relational joy – and moments our joy disappears. When we think about the things that upset, annoy and bother us, we lose our peace. The lack of peace is a good sign we are slipping into in what Dr. Wilder calls, enemy mode. The difference between relational mode and enemy mode is rather noticeable when we start to experience this shift in ourselves and others. I wrote The Joy Switch to introduce these concepts and provide exercises to practice staying relationally connected and recover from enemy mode. Learning these crucial brain habits is a vital step toward developing “Jesus-like” character where we increase our ability to live with an awareness of God’s peaceful presence.
Joy spreads when we share it with others, so find ways to grow your joy and spread the good stuff with others. Watch what happens!
If you’d like to know more about your brains secrete circuit, check out Chris’s book The Joy Switch
Discover the simple switch in your brain that activates—or deactivates—what you most need for relational connectivity: joy. In The Joy Switch, learn how the simple flip of this brain switch either enables you to remain present for those around you or causes you to become overwhelmed—and ultimately inhibited from being your best self—when problems arise.
In The Joy Switch, Chris suggests using the CARS steps as the specific Joy Switch to activate the brain’s relational circuits. CARS stands for Connection, Appreciation, Rest and Shalom My Body. We connect with others so we are not alone, we remember the good stuff to feel appreciation, we take a relational pause to catch our breath and we practice a specific set of exercises known as Shalom My Body to calm our body and mind. Enjoy a free relational assessment to better gauge your relational temperature and practice a fun exercise to jumpstart your joy.
- See the list of all 19 skills at www.thrivetoday.org
- Learn more with the research of Dr. Allan Schore of UCLA at allanschore.com
- Karl Lehman, Outsmarting Yourself: Catching Your Past Invading the Present and What to Do about It (Libertyville, IL: This JOY! Books, 2011), E. James Wilder, The Pandora Problem: Facing Narcissism in Leaders & Ourselves (Carmel, IN: Deeper Walk International, 2018).
