Over the past couple of years, a new term has emerged called the ‘Dream Gap’. This is a powerful concept that every dad of a daughter needs to know about, which is why I’m enthusiastically sharing it with you here!
The Clinical Backstory
Collaborative researchers from Princeton, NYU, and the University of Illinois in 2017 concluded that by five years of age, girls already stop dreaming and believing they can be anything they want to be or do anything they choose to do. This point was further underscored when boys in this same age range weren’t experiencing these same things.
Additionally, they reported that by the age of six, girls stop associating brilliance with their gender and start avoiding activities that require what they perceive to be high levels of intelligence.
Heartbreaking, isn’t it? Yet there’s more.
This research further revealed that when young girls hold these gender stereotypes, specifically regarding their lack of intellectual ability, there is a life-long negative impact on their choices, interests, and career paths.
Let me say it another way. When girls preemptively withdraw from activities in which they might not succeed, especially involving what they believe will require higher levels of intelligence, they miss opportunities to flourish had they tried. Researchers now believe that this mindset correlates to women being underrepresented in fields that value genius, such as philosophy, math, or physics.
My Story
Part of the reason all of this impacts me so deeply, and why I want to share it with you as dads of daughters, is because this parallels my story.
All through middle and high school, I compared myself to Stephanie Wierson, the one girl I deemed “the smartest” because she got the best grades in every class. Fast forward to when I earned my doctorate degree in my mid-40’s. It would seem this accomplishment might finally lead me to break through the barrier of my own self-doubt, right? Unfortunately, not fully.
Sometimes people assume that I’m intelligent simply because I have letters after my name. Yet regardless of what people tell me, my typical response is: “I’m not that smart…I just work hard.”
It wasn’t until reading this research that I realized I’m part of this stereotypical norm group, mostly because of my own self-critical beliefs where I believe I’m never smart enough. So here I am as an educated woman who still doesn’t fully believe that I have enough intellectual ability to be considered truly intelligent. Ugh! I wish this weren’t my reality, but I’m being honest with you so that you can better understand your daughters.
The truth is that somewhere along the way I adopted a skewed “grid for smartness” and it’s gone unchallenged and uncontested…until now.
I’m reluctant to admit this, but the reality is that I self-deprecate as much as the next woman even though, on the outside, no one would guess that I do.
As a result, I’ve been believing a lie about myself that hasn’t fully been broken.
The Real Backstory
As you seek to lead your daughter to embrace the beautiful truths about who she is and Whose she is, keep in mind that she has a real enemy, the devil, fighting against her. And one of his primary modes of assault is to plant lies—about herself (her strengths, her body, etc.), about others, about God, and on it goes–-that cause her to readily embrace self-destructive beliefs and behaviors. And because Jesus called Satan, “the father of lies” (John 8:44), it’s no surprise that he is a master liar who is hellbent on persuading us to align with him.
I believe all of this goes back to Adam and Eve’s fall in the Garden of Eden, with subsequent curses, where God responds to the serpent (a.k.a. Satan) by saying, “I’m declaring war between you and the woman.” (Genesis 3, MSG)
For further understanding, Ezekiel 28 describes that same serpent as being “the model of perfection, full of wisdom, perfect in beauty.” If you think about it, aren’t these the same areas where your daughter struggles when she doesn’t believe she’s perfect enough, smart (wise) enough, or beautiful enough?
Stated otherwise,
The war against your daughter has deep-seated spiritual roots.
So this is where you come in, Dad. You have to fight for your daughter and stand in the gap for her and with her to counter the enemy’s lies about herself and what she is capable of. She can be a world-changer and she needs your support to get there.
How You Can Inspire Your Daughter to Dream Bigger
You may feel like there’s very little you can do to override the powerful undertow of our cultural and spiritual tide that comes against your daughter as myriads of negative messages bombard her. You may struggle to know how to celebrate your daughter’s creativity, brilliance, optimism, vision, and passion if she’s in a season where she’s listening more to her friends than to you.
But here’s what matters, Dad. Regardless of where your daughter is at right now, you have the privilege of standing in the gap for her so that your affirming voice rises above the rest.
Here are Ten Ways that you can inspire your daughter to dream bigger (and close the Dream Gap):
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Encourage her to write a list of ten outrageous things she wishes she had the nerve to do
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Challenge her to face her fears
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Run alongside her while she tries new things and dreams beyond her natural limitations
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Let her know it’s okay to be afraid
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Believe that she’s enough when she doesn’t believe that she is
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Teach her that character is proven by getting up after a fall
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Never criticize her for making mistakes
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Remind her that in your eyes she’s a winner when giving her best, even if she doesn’t win first prize
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Cheer her on with your unwavering support as you speak life-breathing words into her
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Tell her that you’re proud of her and love her no matter what
Dad, you can help your daughter close the dream gap by standing in the gap with her. And if she won’t listen to your voice in this season, the best way you can do that is through prayer.
You can inspire your daughter to dream bigger by supporting her endeavors as you assure her that you will always be in the front row of her cheering section!
If you’d like to know more about how dads can be there for their daughters, check out Dr. Michelle’s newest book Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters
Using her decades of experience in counseling young women and coaching fathers, Michelle Watson has created a step-by-step template for having conversations that build a stronger bond through laughter, vulnerability, honesty, and self-disclosure. Let’s Talk is filled with dozens of scripted questions that walk fathers through the levels of creating a heart-to-heart connection with their daughters by communicating the right way. Through this easy-to-read guide, dads will learn how to listen and build trust as they move from get-to-know-you chats to deep discussions that dive into their daughters’ struggles, hurts, and hopes.
