I’ve been coaching dads of daughters for the past decade. And truth be told, this is an assignment that I would have disqualified myself for had God asked me about it before whispering to my spirit that this is what he wanted me to do.
A woman telling dads how to be better fathers? It’s a bit unusual, right?!
Yet I can assuredly say that there is nowhere I would rather be than gathered with a group of teachable men who are hungry to add more tools to their fathering toolbox when it comes to knowing more about how to dial in to the heart space of their girls.
Stated otherwise, my goal is to assist dads in decoding their daughters by giving them what I call “Insider Venusian trade secrets” (I’m referencing John Gray’s book, Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus) since oftentimes we girls aren’t able to tell our dads what’s really going on inside of us or say what it is that we really need and long for.
So I invite you here to this conversation if you’ve ever wanted to better understand your daughter.
I wish you could sit in my counseling office, even for part of a day, because you’d hear what I consistently hear from teenage girls and 20-something women.
You’d hear how often they doubt themselves, how often they fear a future without a boyfriend to love them back, and how often they don’t know how to express what’s really going on inside, so tears flow freely without words. You’d hear how often they can’t get their feet on the ground when their primary relationships are in turmoil, how often they feel they don’t matter because they haven’t yet figured out their life purpose, and how often they wonder where God is at in the mix of their confusion and conflict, disappointments and delays, heartbreak and hopelessness.
And if you were there with me, both of us would actually realize that we’re standing on sacred ground. Might I even say, holy ground.
For whenever someone invites us into their deepest, most vulnerable place—that place that is raw and real, where it’s messy and complicated—we actually receive a gift. To be trusted at that level is an honor of unparalleled proportion.
Dad, do you know how privileged you are when your daughter lets you know her at that depth?
Yet what this oftentimes means is that you hear the version that is messy, unrefined, and what you might consider to be a disrespectful tone. Please hear me when I say that your daughter wants to be known by you, and it’s up to you to create an atmosphere of acceptance where she feels safe enough to reveal her heart and her authentic self to you.
It’s within the context of a safe and connected relationship that you will pour into your daughter’s heart from the overflow in yours. And just in case she doesn’t quite have the words to tell you what she really longs for in the depths of her being, I’ll do my best to say it for her:
She longs for you to notice her.
She longs for you to listen to her.
She longs for you to affirm her.
She longs to know that you believe she is worthy.
She longs for you to never give up on her.
She longs for you to be patient with her (especially when you’re struggling the most to do so).
She longs for you to keep your promises.
She longs for you to comfort her with your steady, solid, strong, masculine presence.
She longs for you to validate her (even when she doesn’t make sense to herself or you).
She longs for you to love her where she’s at, flaws and all.
She longs for you to tell her what you see when you look at her.
She longs for you to express why you love her.
She longs to hear that she’s beautiful in your eyes.
She longs for you to choose her even when everything else calls for your attention.
She longs for you to pursue her even when she pushes you away for a season.
She longs for you to give of your time and your resources (which tangibly tells her she’s valuable).
She longs for you to humbly admit when you’ve blown it and ask for forgiveness.
She longs for you to be present and involved because it says that her life matters to you.
Here’s the best way I know to sum this up:
- The more you care about her longings, the more she will connect with them herself.
- The more she connects with her longings, the more empowered she will be to ask for what she needs and find healthy ways to meet those needs.
- And the more empowered she is, the better decisions she will make, which ultimately sets a strong foundation for her to be a positive world changer in a culture that desperately needs girls and women to stand up and stand out.
So Dad, why not start today by meeting one of your daughter’s needs from the list above. She’ll thank you for it now and in the years to come.
If you’d like to know more about how dads can be there for their daughters, check out Dr. Michelle’s newest book Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters
Using her decades of experience in counseling young women and coaching fathers, Michelle Watson has created a step-by-step template for having conversations that build a stronger bond through laughter, vulnerability, honesty, and self-disclosure. Let’s Talk is filled with dozens of scripted questions that walk fathers through the levels of creating a heart-to-heart connection with their daughters by communicating the right way. Through this easy-to-read guide, dads will learn how to listen and build trust as they move from get-to-know-you chats to deep discussions that dive into their daughters’ struggles, hurts, and hopes.
