Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. – Ephesians 5:21 NIV
Submitting to one another in love leads to mutual thriving which leads to the joy of unity. But it isn’t always easy… Let me tell you a story.
“We didn’t talk about that.”
One time, Carey casually mentioned to me, in the middle of a social gathering, that he was signing our son up to play football. We hadn’t ever discussed football before. My response? I mumbled something like,
“Uhhhh, we didn’t talk about that.” This was followed by,
“Hey Mom, I’m gonna start football…” My son smiled a wide and knowing grin. Mom isn’t going to be happy, but he knew he had his forces aligning. This was followed by,
“Hey Toni, did you hear the news? I’m recruiting your son for our football team – he’ll be awesome! It’ll be so good for him. You’ll see.” Our friend John’s smile was wider than my son’s grin.
I returned a weak, obviously forced smile and turned away. The tightening of fear in my chest set my entire body on high alert. Later, Carey and I tried to talk over those events and our clashing expectations over football, in the throes of my fear and our frustrations.
On a related note, you’re probably not surprised that you and your spouse have clashes of expectations, too. What you may be surprised at is the potential for those clashes to whip up storms of emotion. That’s what you weren’t prepared for.
Waves of emotion seem to mount up out of nowhere when our expectations are threatened. How can we not be so rocked by them?
“Don’t let the wave take you.”
Carey and I once went sea-kayaking through six foot breakers crashing on the shore. Before then, I didn’t know it was possible. While we were on the ocean’s rolling waves, our guides said, “You take the wave – don’t let the wave take you!” This mantra was meant to help us make it back to the beach without being crushed to the ocean floor under one of those breakers.
When we’re vulnerable to being taken down in marriage by waves of emotion that rise up when our expectations are threatened, we need strategies, too.
Strategies on Mutual Submission
Being committed to mutuality helps. Paul wrote about the life-shifting love and power available to every Jesus follower in his letter to the church in Ephesus. Getting practical about the impact of new life in Jesus, he shared this truth, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21 NIV)
What exactly are those strategies that help us with mutual submission? How do we reconcile clashes of expectations and get on the front side of those waves of emotion that can damage our sense of unity? Bring your struggles before Christ, and ask him to help you see yourself and your husband or wife through his eyes. Practically speaking, here are some additional strategies:
1. Recognize and manage triggers:
When you face clashes in your expectations with your partner, your first instincts may not be rational. No, the limbic center of your brain responsible for your emotions may take the lead.
Like it or not, your partner’s contrary views and opinions may feel threatening.
If so, your body instinctively shifts into ‘fight, flight or freeze’ mode when you perceive a threat to your safety or integrity. The flood of your body’s stress hormones prepares your muscles for action and your senses for acuity. Part of this reaction makes higher level thought and reasoning inaccessible. Once triggered, it’s common for people to experience varying degrees of brain fog.
If triggers have been problematic for you two, I want you to think about the difference between a relationship that’s unhappy versus harmful. For more on this, click here: https://toninieuwhof.com/is-your-marriage-unhappy-or-harmful/
Once you’re triggered, you’re more likely to say things you don’t mean, and do things you normally wouldn’t do. I say this to explain what’s going on, but not to provide excuses. You and I know that, as adults, we have agency. Proverbs 29:22 says, “An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.”
When you recognize yourself becoming triggered, the first thing you need to do is stop the heated argument. I’m not advising you to abandon it, but simply park the conversation for now. Before you have something to regret. Turn your focus on self-care, to calm yourself back down. Get some fresh air and practice deep breathing. Take some time to meditate on a verse or pray. Listen to that song that helps you ease back into feeling okay. Drink water (avoiding sugar or caffeine). Go for a brisk walk or do a workout.
Personally, there are many Scriptures I’ve relied on over the years in situations like this. Psalm 34 in its entirety is filled with praise, advice and promises, such as “Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it (Psalm 34:14) and “The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry” (Psalm 34:15).
With practice, you’ll discover what physical, emotional and spiritual practices work best for you. Just know that you’ll typically need 20-30 minutes and perhaps more before your ability to think rationally will return after you’ve been triggered.
A triggered argument will create more problems than it will solve. Do all you can to avoid it.
Having said that, we need to find a way to move through potentially difficult conversations about our differences, without denying who we are and what we believe.
2. Real Communication Doesn’t Stay on the Surface
Genuinely surrendering to each other requires intimacy. It means you need to see into your partner, and allow him or her to see into you. Your explaining and your listening needs to reach beneath the surface if you are to ‘submit to one another out of reverence for Christ’.
Once you’re both calm, composed and undistracted by parenting or screens, compare notes on your personal expectations, and ask yourselves ‘why?’.
After listening to your spouse, challenge yourself to put what they said in your own words, stating it in the best light possible. Ask for the Spirit’s help to strip away your own cynicism, skepticism or sarcasm. When it comes to difficult conversations, I try to keep this proverb in front of me: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1 NIV)
Talking about the issue or your feelings in detail may not be your style, or your spouse’s. If it’s more effective to write out your opinions and the values underlying them, or to record a voice memo when you have time on your own, do it that way.
Approach your spouse’s viewpoint with curiosity. If you think there are gaps, ask open-ended questions. If you get stuck, reach out for help from a mediator, wise mentor, a pastor or a professional counsellor.
One way or the other, it’s critical to mutually understand each other’s views, even if you have to agree-to-disagree.
3. Accept Imperfect Solutions for the Sake of Love
Sometimes our arguing over clashing expectations becomes more about defending dignity or avoiding defeat than it is about finding a mutually acceptable solution. I’ve heard it said, ‘it’s more important to do right than to be right.’
Doing right involves a lot of listening, while accepting with humility that your way isn’t the only way or ‘the right way.’ Doing right involves responding with kindness and respect even when you don’t agree with what your partner is saying. Doing right also involves digging out your creativity.
There are more than two solutions to almost every problem you face, and approaching the issue with open-mindedness and creativity will help you discover other possibilities.
Release the idea that your solution is the perfect one. If your partner doesn’t agree, it’s now inherently imperfect.
Leaning Into Jesus
Submitting to one another in love leads to mutual thriving leads to the joy of unity. Isn’t that what you really want? Isn’t that what Jesus really wanted when he prayed for the unity of all believers, “…that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.” (John 17:21)?
If you’re experiencing those waves of emotion in your marriage right now, lean into Jesus’ love and act on his wisdom. Ask him to illuminate those strategies that will help you avoid being taken down.
When you surrender your pain and the waves and the mess to him, he will lead you closer to his heart and one step closer to the promised land.
Speaking from experience…yes, Jesus’ love and power is more than enough to calm the storm in your marriage if that’s where you’re at, but he’ll ask you to wholeheartedly engage. Even if the still waters after the storm in your marriage looks like a miracle (ours does!), he’ll involve you to bring it about. Invite courage to stay and take the next step he shows you.
When you face clashes of expectations in your marriage, what strategy has been most effective for you?
If you’ve ever wanted to say, “I can’t do this anymore!” out of frustration with your marriage, you’re definitely not alone. But there is hope! In Toni’s latest book “Before You Split“
In this book Toni shows that even if you feel disconnected or stuck in your troubled marriage—and worry about its impact on your kids—there is a way forward. Even if it feels like it’s over, it’s not too late. Change takes place one step at a time. Before You Split will help you make choices with your eyes wide open.
